JOKE LINK

Her first husband was in Training, and he kept teaching her how to do
it herself.

The second one was in Sales, and he kept telling her how good it was
going to be in the next release.

The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll
be up any minute now..."

Men's Rules For Women
1.  It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the
toilet UP when you are done.

2.  If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include
something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried,
Beer, and Red.

3.  Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.

4.  Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the
fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are
cretins deserving your contempt.

5.  Shopping is not fascinating.

6.  When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is
only joking.

7.  Unless the answer is yes.

8.  In which case, can he videotape it?

9.  If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking jerks.

10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick
and/or tending the grill.

11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across
the room is not funny.

12. Money does not equate love.  Not even in Nevada.

13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e.,
Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met with
roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their
infant when it walks for the first time.

14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

15. He heard you the first time.

16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too...  Let's spread the rejection
around a little.

17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really
want the answer to.

18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.

19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.

20. Dogs good.  Cats bad.

21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit
through "Showgirls."

23. "Fine!" is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by
suggesting he stop for directions.

25. He was not looking at that other girl.

26. Well, okay...  maybe a little.

27. Okay, so what!  He was looking at her.  Big deal. Like you never
looked at another guy...

28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "sports"

29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man
you have ever met.

30. And all your friends think so too.  Especially the cute ones.

31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look
fine.  As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good.  Stop asking.

32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.

33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual
flow with him.

34. Remember: Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in
the shower.

35. [Edited for tender ears.]

36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories:  Looks fine/smells
fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine.  Unless you
intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this
manner.

37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford  is prettier
than you.  Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is
better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be
dating any of these people, love the one you're with.

38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of
them all.

39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer
gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

40. Don't hog the covers.

41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you.  But please wait
until the half-time show to act upon that...

42. He does not just want to be friends.

43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the
sentence:  "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and
stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"

44. Just because this list doesn't have as many entries as yours
doesn't mean it's worse.

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